Realizing Provision

Surely it will.

It will be enough when the books, written by me, are on the shelves and people are smiling, snorting, crying, or shaking their heads as my words strike their funny bones or collide with their souls.

Or it will be enough when words of respect and affirmation for me are spoken aloud, and the exaltation I tried not to want is voiced in the hearing of all who have known me.

Or surely it will be enough when the one I love walks with me through the blossoms, holding my hand as we dream about the future and laugh often because we both think the other’s jokes are unrivaled.

It will be enough when the blue-eyed child runs to snuggle with me, calling me “Mama” because with me is the place where he is safe and loved and at home.

Or it will be enough when the children of my children make me proud with their diplomas, their paintings, and their babies.

Right?

Surely it will be enough.

But what if it isn’t?

What if, for every positive review of my books, there is someone laughing, not at my jokes, but at the absurdity of the idea that this author thought she was capable of writing?

What if, after all the affirming words are said, I still feel empty and long for more?

What if we miss blossom season because we’re too busy, and when we finally make time to go on a walk it’s too hot to hold hands, and I’m not dreaming about the future because I’m mad about something he did this morning, and the flies don’t stop landing on my head, and we both think the other’s silence is unrivaled?

What if the blue-eyed child is running to “Mama” for the fifth time in the night when all I want to do is to sleep uninterrupted for once in my life?

What if the children of my children live in the depths of mental illness and depression and I don’t know how to help?

What if my “what ifs” do not even come close to the disappointment, darkness, and loss I will experience during my life?

Sometimes I wonder if it is even worth it to dream and desire if all paths lead to brokenness and the wisest man in the history of the world concluded that everything is meaningless.

But I cannot live that way.

I will continue to dream and desire, but I will not expect my accomplishments or circumstances to be my life and fulfillment.

It will be enough when I am with and fully reconciled to the beautiful God, the Life, for whom I was made.

And what if…

What if this being with Him takes the blinders off and makes me realize that all along, I had everything because I had Him –the Living Water and the Love that would not let me go?