Realizing Provision

There is a verse from Psalm 23 that says “Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.” I still think the verse with the same voice inflection and rhythm that was ingrained in me in first grade.

Sometimes I feel as though it would be more accurate to say “Surely insecurity shall follow me all the days of my life.”

Insecurity seems to have been trailing me through life so far, anyway.

I felt it in fourth grade when my friends casually shared how much they weighed, and I had to say my weight too, or else admit that I was too ashamed to say.

I felt it in all the stupid mistakes I made when playing sports in school.

I felt it when I gave an answer that revealed my ignorance and then berated myself for ever volunteering.

I felt it when I took chemistry with the two guys in my class for whom science (and everything else?) seemed to come naturally.

After I graduated from high school, insecurity seeped into my teaching. What did the parents think of me? What would people think if they saw my kids when they were out of control? Why did anyone think I was capable of being in charge of twelve third-graders for a whole school year?

And then I went to Faith Builders and was immediately confident in my abilities and my relating to people. I have never been insecure since. (That is all a funny joke, in case you didn’t catch on.)

Insecurity and self-preservation are two things I thought a lot about in my two years at school. They are things that Jesus talked to me about, too.

When I had the opportunity to speak at graduation, I decided to talk about reasons that we can have hope. In one of my points, I proceeded to preach to myself about self-preservation and insecurity. And I need to keep coming back to what I preached to myself. You may listen in if you like:

“He preserves us. (We don’t need to preserve ourselves anymore.)

• Living in an environment where I have been almost constantly around people these past two years has helped open my eyes to just how much self-preserving I try to do. I could spend my whole life trying to preserve myself–trying to hide my ignorance, trying to maintain a good reputation, trying to be someone worth loving, trying to be at the top (even if it means putting others down in my own mind).
• In Christ, I am already preserved. In Christ, you are preserved.  And there is only one logical position for those who have been preserved and made worthy by Christ. Our only logical position is kneeling before Him and calling Him Lord when we realize that we all (regardless of talent, personality, beauty, and intellect) need Him the same desperate amount.
• When we are all equally in need and equally offered mercy, what room is there for comparing and competing and preserving ourselves?
• Those who belong to a God of hope can freely request ‘preserve me, Oh God, for in you I take refuge.’
• I have hope because I don’t need to live my life in anxious striving for self-preservation anymore.”               

(from my graduation speech, 2021)

Yes, insecurity might still trail some days.

But because I am already preserved, it is the goodness and mercy of my Rescuer that shall follow me all the days of my life.