Realizing Provision

I love to laugh.

It’s one of the reasons why I like to hang out with third-graders. They say the best things.

Third-grader: “What are you doing, Miss Kerra?”

Me: (concentrating, not answering right away)

Third-grader: “Do you know what you’re doing?”

—

Third-grader: (telling a story about a squirrel in their basement) “We thought maybe it was trying to lay babies there.”

—

Third-grader: (saying memory work from Rev. 7) “And I saw a great multitude of all nations, and kindreds, and people . . . and places, and things . . .”

The problem with laughter, though, is that it is so short-lived.

(I should insert here that it is not always short-lived. But for me, the times when it has lasted long have been times when it was not supposed to.

It happens in family devotions. Someone sings the words wrong, and I try valiantly to be mature about it, but I have to stop singing to pull myself together. And then the person who’s sitting beside me (if that person happens to be Kayleen) starts to shake, and my voice warbles as I try to come in. Then we both lose it and the hymn is a lost cause. Mom usually joins the laughter eventually, and Dad finishes the song on his own.

It happens in church, or in class, or when I’m sitting in a convent chapel with others older and wiser than me, listening to the nuns chant and sing their sacred songs. And something sets someone off and the bench begins to shake. That’s when I long for laughter to be short-lived.

I am getting better at laughing silently because I’ve had so much practice. I learned that I can laugh with complete silence as long as I don’t breathe. But one can only do that for so long. And I still haven’t figured out how to gulp air back into myself silently. Sigh.)

It seems like the times when it is good and right to laugh never last as long. Sometimes there is not much to laugh about. Sometimes, it has been so long that you laughed really hard with someone that you can’t even remember what their real laugh sounds like.

It is good for me to remember that emotions come in seasons. There is a time to laugh and a time to cry. And even if laughter isn’t as plentiful in this season, someday it will be plentiful again.

It is also good for me to remember that what I’m often after when I am craving laughter for myself or wanting to make others laugh (besides looking for attention and identity, because that’s a real thing) is to feel good and at peace and that things are ok. Of course, laughter doesn’t automatically mean those things. Sometimes I look for laughter as a distraction from what I’m really feeling. But usually, when I have freedom to really laugh, it is because of a spirit that’s at rest. Maybe the truest kind of laughter is actually a product of inner joy, which is something available any time.

Joy is something I am still figuring out. I was wrestling with it back in high school—this idea of joy being more than good circumstances.

Today, when I was discouraged at my math (it was proving identities that didn’t seem in the mood to be proven, I might add), I tried to cheer myself up by thinking about our coming summer vacation to Vancouver and Oregon, and hoping that we would go through Seattle. It seemed to work for a little bit, but it didn’t prove any identities, and it didn’t bring joy that poured life into every aspect of my day. And that’s what I want. I want joy that makes me excited to live. I want joy that makes me grateful, even when the school water tastes like it was poisoned. I want joy that makes me worship, even when the singing sounds terrible and I imagine that people are laughing at my squeaky morning high note that I didn’t get much help on. I want joy that makes me excited to go to work because doing my best, even at a job that I don’t feel completely competent at, honors God. I want joy that makes my smile real.

(slightly edited writings from 2017)

I still don’t have a lot of answers for the person I was in 2017. I have discovered that laughter is a gift, given by a good God. But it is not the ultimate. I want the gift of laughter to point me to the Giver, whose love for me is not short-lived and whose presence brings joy beyond good circumstances.

I like that even in seasons where laughter isn’t as plentiful, there are often still things that make me laugh or smile scattered throughout my days. These are two of my “gifts of laughter” from the past couple months, even amidst the disappointments and loneliness:

On one of my last days of online classes, the dear FB house parents sent a series of videos wherein they pretended that it was 2040. From their retirement home room, they discussed what each of the 2020 FB alumni were doing now. I was happy to find out that I had become a motivational speaker who toured all over the world giving lectures on goal-setting. One of my key lines was “Hitting the target is shooting first, and whatever you hit, call that the target.” (I think this quote is very similar to something Ashleigh Brilliant said once, to give credit where credit is due.) In 2040, people will be paying hundreds of dollars to hear me speak, so if you want my autograph now, just let me know.

Several weeks ago, our youth group had a virtual scavenger hunt. We had to leave our device in a certain place, and then race to find certain objects. I tore around the house collecting potatoes, ukuleles, dandelions, and baby pictures. It was definitely the most exercise I ever got on a Zoom meeting. And then, we were told to get something that starts with “Z.” When the leader said “Go!”, my mind blanked of everything that started with “z,” so I yelled upstairs to mom, “Mom, what starts with z?” And she quickly replied, “There is a toy xylophone in the toy box!” How clever, I thought. No one else will have a xylophone. I was right. I proudly dangled my little xylophone in front of my computer screen until someone asked, “Kerra, what letter does that start with?” And only then is when I remembered that xylophone does not start with “z.”

Have you been given any “gifts of laughter” in the last several months? If so, I’d love to hear them.